Watchers

You had the evening tables to bus
We were travelers passing through
I saw you watching us,
A busy family with small children,
Out of state license plates.
You had the evening tables to bus,
Coworkers to talk with,
Smoke breaks to take.
I saw you watching us
We talked of blizzards in Wyoming,
Pennsylvania highways to cross
You had the evening tables to bus
A different life
Your own mother, perhaps a boyfriend
I saw you watching us
I know you want to come along
I’ll remember you – will you remember me?
You had the evening tables to bus –
I saw you watching us.

——————————-

A first attempt at a villanelle. Thank you, mairmusic, for writing such beautiful ones and giving me the idea. I would greatly appreciate any comments anyone has on this, including constructive criticisms. I like the form and want to try more in the future, so ideas on how to improve are welcome.

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15 Comments

  1. Oh woww… this was such a different poem.. I mean, we usually write about our observations..but this one is about someone watching us.. well, ofcourse we had to be watching them to make this observation :)

    This is very true.. I too have wondered about people I find watching me.. passers by on streets, people on the Subway, in shops… it is so interesting to wonder about what they are thinking right then! About their lives, their dreams… very very interesting indeed!

    A beautiful poem here…
    I don’t rally know what a Villanelle is, but I will look it up on Marilynn’s blog :) I really appreciate the stuff she shares with the readers…

    Reply
  2. Chloe

     /  August 4, 2010

    Love this poem – there is such a sense of longing to it. You’ve sparked my interest now in trying a villanelle myself! Thanks!

    Have a great day!!
    Chloe :D xx

    Reply
  3. This is awesome writing my friend, poignant and very interesting. Love coming here. Sending you hugs xx

    Reply
  4. amazing skills…
    you are capable of doing it in many levels and from different angels, which is impressive.
    :)

    Reply
  5. I love villanelle and I love this story, so beautifully portrayed via the form.

    Ahhh, just want to soak it up. How I know that longing you describe.

    I am grateful I found you via the Poetry Potluck today!

    Reply
  6. love the flavor,
    sweet poetry,
    cheers,

    A++

    Reply
  7. Wonderful poem in a difficult form. Listen carefully–I’m applauding!!!

    Reply
  8. This reads like “the day in the life…” and how our lives intermingle with others and writing their stories for them…nice!
    http://lynnaima.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/the-winner-stands-alone/

    Reply
  9. Wonderfully crafted poem …
    I too have wondered about people watching me before.
    But you have written it in a beautiful way that also in a difficult style…
    Hats off to you…

    Reply
  10. really nice villanelle, my friend! Glad I gave you a push down this road.

    Reply

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